Bila

perkataan dan diagnosis
menguris hatiku dengan ketepatannya
seperti segumpal darah yang beku, tersemat di jiwaku
tanpa nama, yang telahku coba megupas ertinya

awoke from non-sleep, drenched in sweat
vommitting out yesterday's excesses
asthma's byproduct, with a cocktail of phlegm
playing partners with my working mind
had i been sleeping through it all

words hit home and i realise the name
i realise what it really is, it's partly true yet
only an identified chip from the whole
i've been going about my business, feeling numb
i've been doing things i enjoy, feeling numb
admit i was attempting to recreate hapiness
moments which have been "happy moments" to me
this is not to say that i'm wholly in a negative state
it is not boredom then
it is about being joyful, or rather the lack thereof
hapiness is an elusive state, it is not an entity in itself
being joyful comes from within, it doesn't ask for more
it comes from acceptance and hope in the distance
it doesn't need external manisfestation or physical affirmation
yet all the components you choose to constitute your life
are sources of its derivation and fuel
its about being joyful that you have a chance at living; at making change;
at adding value to the world; to your world; to others; to second, third, nth chances, believing in the things you do
would it then be the composition and recomposition of these components
that brings renewal, that is something to figure out
i've seen the change
how she's grown and learnt
and i see it
it was always just the company
that's all that was enough