before sunrise

m always grumpy waking up at before sunrise for sahur.its like a mad scramble of pots and pans just before the time to not eat starts. and i have a penchant for getting into squabbles cos put it simply i m lazy of the hassle to get food served on the table. seriously just eat bread cannot ah. wa lau eh. anyway, random things on the first day of sahur/puasa.

#1) was damn dehydrated and thirsty on the first day, felt like a camel who was about to have my period-cos i get damn thristy before-the whole day was damn hot and all i wanted was to drink ribena. and of course i had to pass the ahballing stall and all i wanted was ahballing. and then while trying to find french loaf cos was tasked to cook roti john i saw tar sau piah and from then i wanted to eat tar sau piah...weakness...usually m so not this neh neh. must have been the first day of puasa and the blazing heat.

#2) so for sahur next day forced myself to drink a few glasses of water, while being sulky cos i had to clean up the pots and pans afterwards, and being in semi-dazed stoned state. i stared blankly at the wall gg thru the routine of drinking my water and my mind pandered - so this must how it felt, albeit sliver of a glimmer, of how the POWs during Jap Occupation were tortured by being forced to guzzle gallons of water while their stomaches were trampled on. Torture by water...fascinating.

#3)while moodily washing up all the grease and plates,etc. again my mind pandered how would the feminist of her time, coco would react. wat acerbic retort wud she have spewed. and i could see audrey tatou starring at me with her cynical world- weary face as in the movie.

#4) while gg back under the covers, in the dark i dozily caught sight of my lil sis holding something in her hands on the bed. It was luminous bright red, and glowing in her hands. My first thought, and i seriously believed it for a moment was - eh how come she got a glowing kueh ah pam (sp?) So cool red coloured kueh ah pam, glowing, so clever hide for herself one isit. reminded me of the ah pam cake the chinese sometimes offer to their Gods, placed alongside joss-sticks at the altars and sometimes by the pavements. I oso want to eat!!! even tho i dun really fancy kueh ah pam.
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only after a while did i realise she was holding the alarm clock.

your pretty wings

after 8 years, a trilogy nonetheless. the man is sex in a voice.
probably the true heir to marvin gaye, with the signature neo soul twist.
Oh Ms Hill, where have u been hiding..?

lennon or barnes

• First Of The Gang To Die by Zee Avi

Bila

perkataan dan diagnosis
menguris hatiku dengan ketepatannya
seperti segumpal darah yang beku, tersemat di jiwaku
tanpa nama, yang telahku coba megupas ertinya

awoke from non-sleep, drenched in sweat
vommitting out yesterday's excesses
asthma's byproduct, with a cocktail of phlegm
playing partners with my working mind
had i been sleeping through it all

words hit home and i realise the name
i realise what it really is, it's partly true yet
only an identified chip from the whole
i've been going about my business, feeling numb
i've been doing things i enjoy, feeling numb
admit i was attempting to recreate hapiness
moments which have been "happy moments" to me
this is not to say that i'm wholly in a negative state
it is not boredom then
it is about being joyful, or rather the lack thereof
hapiness is an elusive state, it is not an entity in itself
being joyful comes from within, it doesn't ask for more
it comes from acceptance and hope in the distance
it doesn't need external manisfestation or physical affirmation
yet all the components you choose to constitute your life
are sources of its derivation and fuel
its about being joyful that you have a chance at living; at making change;
at adding value to the world; to your world; to others; to second, third, nth chances, believing in the things you do
would it then be the composition and recomposition of these components
that brings renewal, that is something to figure out
i've seen the change
how she's grown and learnt
and i see it
it was always just the company
that's all that was enough